Freakish
by IcePrinceLokiofAO3
Summary: Sam's fear of clown's is wrapped up in his self loathing and related strongly to his 'freakishness'. This is how he came to be a freak for the first time. Sam/John! Not real John. Shapeshifter. Not graphic. Triggers!


"Why can't I just stay at the motel?" Sam whined loudly.

Dean sighed in annoyance and turned to the nine year old. "You'd run off and get lost, that's why!"

"Then why can't I come with you?"

"I'm thirteen Sam, I have things I need to do, things that I don't need an audience for." Dean grumbled crossly.

Sam huffed but followed his brother into the clown emporium known as Plucky's. He hated the place, Dean loved leaving him there since discovering the place in the middle of Milwaukie. This would be his third stay in a week and the young boy wasn't very impressed. John was gone, would be gone for a few weeks, and Sam was beginning to feel very forgotten by his family.

Sam watched his brother pay and abandon him, he sighed and looked around. There were kids his age, running around screaming and playing, there were a handful of clowns and employees walking around with stupid grins on their faces.

Sam quietly went to a table in the corner and sat down. A clown was at his side in an instant, it rudely pushed him further into the corner and sat down, Sam looked at it in disgust and scooted away.

"Hello little boy! What's your name?" The thing said cheerily.

Sam scowled and stared at the table top, hoping against hope that the creature would go away and leave him alone. It didn't take the hint too well, the thing began to blabber at him about how many exciting things he could be doing.

"Now doesn't that sound like fun little man?"

Sam looked up to scowl at the clowns face but he paused in confusion at what he saw. The clown looked like any other clown but it bore a powerful resemblance to John Winchester. Sam frowned uncertainly and shifted as far away as he could. Sam and John weren't at their best with each other since Christmas; John being furious that Sam found out about hunting, and Sam being upset that he wasn't told.

They weren't as close as they had been and Sam missed it, he'd been able to put John out of his head while the hunter was away but now…...now he couldn't help but wonder what was happening with the older man, where was he?

The clown grinned innocently at him and Sam tensed up.

"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"

Now that he was actually paying attention Sam realised what he'd heard was John's voice. His father was pretending to be a clown?

"Dad?" Sam mumbled uncertainly.

The John-clown nodded and looked around wearily. "Let's go somewhere safer hm?"

Sam grabbed his backpack and followed his father out of the booth. They snuck into a restricted area at the back of the establishment. John locked the door and turned to grin at Sam.

"What are you doing here dad? I thought you were in Illinois?" Sam asked rapidly.

John stepped closer to him and opened his arms, before Sam could react the man was hugging him tightly. Sam squirmed and looked up at John in confusion.

"Dad?"

John shushed him and stroked a hand over his head. "It's okay buddy….I've missed you…."

Sam knew it wasn't like his father to be so expressive, but he wanted so desperately to believe it was John talking….he relaxed against the firm body and wrapped his arms around his father's middle. John stroked a hand up and down Sam's back and lulled him into a sleepy state. Sam nuzzled into John's chest and sighed contently.

"Sammy, you know love you right? I wouldn't ever hurt you on purpose?" John murmured lowly in his ear.

Sam tensed up slightly and looked up in confusion. "Yea I know that dad...you always protect me?"

John smiled and smoothed Sam's hair away from his face. "Good boy...trust me then? Don't make a single sound Sammy."

Sam frowned but nodded his agreement. He felt John guide him until his back hit the wall and then the older hunter was kissing him, hard and lovingly, dipping his tongue into the young boy's mouth. Sam held still and didn't make a noise, just like John had said. He allowed the hunter to kiss him deeper, then he tilted his head as John kissed and nipped down his neck.

John bit him hard on the neck and Sam cried out in protest and pushed against his father. John drew his head back and smiled at Sam.

"Easy tiger...don't you trust me? Don't you want me to show you how much I love you?" John gave Sam an odd look. "You wanna hurt my feelings Sammy?"

Sam hesitated uncertainly but his love for his father won out, he leaned back and allowed John to resume. John slid a hand up Sam's shirt to play with his nipples, the boy made a sound of discomfort and wiggled hard against the hunter.

John moaned and pushed his pelvis against Sam's belly, Sam's eyes widened at what he felt but John rutted against him calmly. Then in a wet splash it was over and John was leaning against him heavily.

"Such a good boy Sammy, you're a good boy for daddy..." John kissed him softly. "You like being held and kissed by daddy don't you?"

Sam had to admit that while it was a little twisted he did like being kissed and cuddled by his father. He nodded with a blush and tilted his head back hopefully, John obliged with another kiss.

"You want to do this again don't you Sammy?" Again Sam blushed and nodded, earning an amused laugh from John. "I have to go now, but I'll see you real soon Sam, keep safe baby boy. Go straight home from here alright?"

John kissed him one more time before unlocking the door and leaving. Sam straightened himself up and slowly left the room. He left Plucky's and wandered all the way to their motel room where Dean was sitting reading a magazine.

"Hey I was gonna come get you later! You know you're not supposed to walk alone!" Dean said angrily.

Sam glared at him. "Dad told me to come back here."

"Dad's in Illinois Sam, don't lie to me!"

The door opened at that moment and John Winchester stalked into the apartment.

"Told you he's here!" Sam said triumphantly before turning to John. "Hi dad!"

John smiled and pet Sam's shoulder lightly, relieved to see his youngest talking freely to him again.

"Heya Sammy. Were you a good boy while I was gone?" John asked casually while he put his stuff down.

Sam grinned and nodded happily, thinking John must be playing a game so that Dean never found out what happened. "Yes daddy, I behaved perfectly."

John paused and looked oddly at Sam. "You haven't called me daddy in years Sam."

Sam shrugged. "Why can't I?"

John didn't seem to have an answer and he just shrugged it off. "Did you boys have enough to eat while I was gone?"

"Yea you weren't gone that long." Dean said casually, flicking through his magazine.

"Yea I finished up pretty quick, heard there was a hunt here anyway."

Sam frowned in confusion. "What is it?"

John gave Sam a stern look. "Nothing you need to worry about, I'm gonna take care of it now, I'll get dinner on my way back."

With that John took his newly stocked duffle and left the room.

True enough he arrive an hour later with food and they all sat down to watch a movie together. Sam was bursting with energy and dying to tell someone what had happened but he knew he couldn't give all the details. Then again, John didn't seem to want anyone knowing at all.

When John chased them to bed Sam took his chance. He jumped onto the bed beside Dean excitedly.

"I've got a secret and you'll never guess what it is."

Dean looked at him in disbelief. "You are so childish. I don't care about your stupid secret, but if you want it to stay secret I suggest you don't let dad know you have it."

"Oh so my first kiss is a stupid secret?" Sam taunted.

Dean looked at him in confusion. "You haven't had a kiss in your life."

"Have so!" Sam insisted, tugging down his shirt he revealed the bite marks on his neck. "See? Proof that I got kissed!"

Dean gaped at the marks and poked at them in amazement. "Who did this to you Sammy?"

Sam bit his lip and looked at their closed bedroom door, John was still watching tv so it should be safe enough. He turned to his big brother and leaned in close.

"You have to swear to never mention it!" At Dean's nod Sam continued. "It was dad."

Dean looked at him as though he had an extra head. "There's no way dad would do that! You're his kid!"

Sam shrugged and grinned excitedly. "Well it was him, he did this! At first I thought it was just another clown, but he kept bugging me and then I really looked at him, and it was dad Dean! He took me to a back room and did this. Dad and I are rebuilding our relationship, isn't it great?"

Dean just stared at him in horror. "Sam, you can't do that stuff with dad, it's not right! He would never do that!"

Sam felt hurt and angry. "You think he'd never show me that he loves me? You think it's wrong that he loves me so much? You're just jealous that he doesn't show you like that!"

Sam jumped off the bed and stormed to the door. "I'll show you if you don't believe me! Stand at the door and watch, but don't let him see you!"

Dean got up and stood on the side of the door, watching Sam leave and approach John. The nine year old approached and climbed onto his father's lap without invitation. John blinked in confusion and they stared at each other for a moment.

"Daddy?" Sam prompted.

"Sam what are you doing?" John rumbled lowly.

Sam smiled and shook his head. "It's okay, Dean's sleeping….I wanted to kiss you."

Sam leaned in and kissed his father before the man could reply, he pressed his tongue into John's mouth. John shoved him back and forced him to stand up, the hunter stared at him in alarm.

"Samuel what are you doing?" John demanded to know. "I'm your father!"

Sam hesitated, not sure what was happening and not sure what to do. He opened his mouth but not explanation came forth, and he fell to staring in heartbreak at his father.

"Something's wrong with all this dad! It's not Sammy, he's confused! He told me he met you at Plucky's and you kissed him, he has hickeys; look for yourself!" Dean had interrupted to save his brother skin.

John stood up and tugged down Sam's collar. He closed his eyes tightly at what he saw and then looked into Sam's eyes. Sam felt warm tears pooling and he struggled to understand what had happened.

"It wasn't me Sammy, there was a shapeshifter out here; that's what I was hunting earlier." John said gently. "I'd never do that to you, you're my son."

Sam felt the ache more keenly and he stared in horror at his father. The older man rubbed his arm gently and Sam took the nerve to speak.

"But you-...he said….." He didn't know how to take this.

His father basically just denied that he'd ever show Sam love, and said that Sam had allowed himself to be molested by a monster.

"Go to bed boy's, we'll talk in the morning." John said wearily.

Lying in bed beside Dean was hard for Sam but he did it, he lay awake thinking about all that had happened; it had felt so real and the creature had smelled like John. Now he had these feelings….but John didn't want to let him act on them...Sam knew he was a freak for wanting his father, but he couldn't stop it. It would be the first in a long list of freakish traits he would develop over the years.


End file.
